Depression

Dear depression,
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I hate that YOU have taken everything thing that once piqued my interest away. I hate that I am hesitant to try new things because I know that, soon, YOU will take my interest in that away too! I hate that YOU make me so angry inside. I hate that YOU make me some sort of monster with my kids! I hate that the stupidest little thing will send me over the edge and my kids pay the price! I hate that YOU leave me with no energy or motivation! My head races with thoughts of great ideas for service, workouts, recipes, time spent with my kids, organizing, etc...and if I don't act within the millisecond, my desire is gone and I am left worse off than before! I hate that I want my kids around, but I don't want them to talk to me or ask me to do anything for or with them! I hate that YOU fill my head with thoughts of self-loathing and doubt! I hate that YOU make me not be able to sleep at night! I hate that YOU make me want to stay up as late as I can every night so I don't have to face the next depressing day! I hate that YOU compromise my relationships with friends, family, my husband...I hate that YOU make me feel like I don't have a strong relationship with my Savior! I hate that YOU make me want to take something chemically to be out of my own head! I hate that YOU have turned me into someone I don't even recognize! I hate that I know what I "should" do to get "over" this funk but YOU make it so difficult! The solution is simple really...I should get on my knees and pray, call someone, talk to my doctor, go to the temple, read my scriptures, ask for help... but YOU fill my head with a hopelessness that makes it seem easier to suffer! I hate that even though one can take a medication to help keep YOUR peaks and valleys more stable it doesn't always work and down I plunge into the bottom of the valley! I hate that people that aren't suffering from YOU don't fully understand what it does to a person...how it changes the mind, the desires, and the very core beliefs of who one thinks they are! What a horrible, awful, inconsiderate, lonely disorder YOU are! I HATE YOU! Give me back ME and leave me alone!!

Back in Time...

Derek and I decided to clean and organize the garage. We have been pulling everything out, going through it, and deciding whether to keep, sell, or throw. So it should come as no surprise that I stumbled upon some old high school pictures. It was so fun to look back and laugh at stupid pictures, hair styles, clothes, boyfriends...and remember the good (and the bad times.) So for your enjoyment (or merely just to humor me) here are some Rancho pictures from 1994 and 1995 :)

Part of the football team my junior year

The homecoming parade (junior year)

Senior year bone assembly!

Jake Franquez and Jeremy Christensen

Powder puff cheerleaders Sean Roof and Kyle Hegland (RIP)(senior year)

Yearbook staff (junior year)

Homecoming parade (senior year)

Jake Franquez and Jeremy Christensen

The Bone Assembly...the ram guarding the "bone"

Our Ram beating the crap out the of the Vegas Wildcat!!!

Look carefully you may spot Larry Judd, Christian Prohaska (RIP), Tony Medina, Matt Farmer, Heather Sullivan etc...

She's only seven months old!!!

new name...

I'm considering changing the name of our blog. Any suggestions???

Deer Haven

Twelve years ago Derek and I went on our first official date. We lived in Cedar City and so I took him to Deer Haven which is up Cedar Canyon. Our stake always went to girls camp up at Deer Haven so it holds a special place in my heart :) (cheesy) Anyway we went up there and went hiking and I told him stories about camp (i'm sure he was extra attentive cause we were dating :) Before we left we each carved our name in a tree by the cattle guard entrance and Derek put the + sign and the date. We went back up to see the tree in '06 and he carved the '06 in. The tree looked like it had caught on fire at some point but it is probably just a disease in the tree cause none of the trees around it were blackened! This year I went to girls camp with my friend Jackie's ward and I had to check on the tree :) It was still there but part of Derek's name had fallen off :( (I have pictures of 1997 and 2006 but my scanner won't work...grrr) So now Derek and I need to go back there together and pick a new tree to carve our names with our kids :) (Yes, I know it's not good to carve in trees, but I'm gonna do it anyway:)

I know you are loving the girls camp hair and dirty face :) That was day four this year.

I know the names are hard to see, but they are there!