Dear depression,
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I hate that YOU have taken everything thing that once piqued my interest away. I hate that I am hesitant to try new things because I know that, soon, YOU will take my interest in that away too! I hate that YOU make me so angry inside. I hate that YOU make me some sort of monster with my kids! I hate that the stupidest little thing will send me over the edge and my kids pay the price! I hate that YOU leave me with no energy or motivation! My head races with thoughts of great ideas for service, workouts, recipes, time spent with my kids, organizing, etc...and if I don't act within the millisecond, my desire is gone and I am left worse off than before! I hate that I want my kids around, but I don't want them to talk to me or ask me to do anything for or with them! I hate that YOU fill my head with thoughts of self-loathing and doubt! I hate that YOU make me not be able to sleep at night! I hate that YOU make me want to stay up as late as I can every night so I don't have to face the next depressing day! I hate that YOU compromise my relationships with friends, family, my husband...I hate that YOU make me feel like I don't have a strong relationship with my Savior! I hate that YOU make me want to take something chemically to be out of my own head! I hate that YOU have turned me into someone I don't even recognize! I hate that I know what I "should" do to get "over" this funk but YOU make it so difficult! The solution is simple really...I should get on my knees and pray, call someone, talk to my doctor, go to the temple, read my scriptures, ask for help... but YOU fill my head with a hopelessness that makes it seem easier to suffer! I hate that even though one can take a medication to help keep YOUR peaks and valleys more stable it doesn't always work and down I plunge into the bottom of the valley! I hate that people that aren't suffering from YOU don't fully understand what it does to a person...how it changes the mind, the desires, and the very core beliefs of who one thinks they are! What a horrible, awful, inconsiderate, lonely disorder YOU are! I HATE YOU! Give me back ME and leave me alone!!
Abi turns 12...and the rest of our week!
9 years ago
8 comments:
Oh Steph, I wish I was close by so I could help! Please know you are not alone, I have soooo been there, right where you are. Don't give in to it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and if you ever need to talk or laugh just text me or call me!
Steph, believe me when I say, that you are not the only one! I admire you so much! I don't know how I would handle my hubby being gone all the time. You are such a good mom, wife AND friend! If you ever need to talk please call me (even if it is 2 in the morning.) I love you!!
You are never, ever alone Steph. No matter what, it's important that you remember that and also to get help with this monster. Not all burdens are meant to be carried alone and this is certainly one of them. You have an amazing support system surrounding you, there to help you. You are strong and smart and wonderful and you can beat it. I admire your honesty in sharing with us, and just know that in anyway we can be, we're all here!
I agree with the other comments.. you are sooooo not alone.. I fight depression all the time. Hang in there and let people help you.
Hey Steph, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Even if it is drag you to zumba:) No really I am here for ya! Love you girl!
Thank you for your honest post. I appreciate you putting to words so many of the feelings that I have at times too. Depression can be overwhelming as it sucks so much life out of us and those we love.
Please know you are an amazing woman and I am in awe at all you do! There's no simple answer to overcoming these feelings, and it's not easy.
I love your sweet spirit and your honesty and let me know how I can help!
Thank you for all of your kind and concerned comments :)Venting is a great therapy! Even more effective than verbal venting is written venting and I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I really needed/should write depression a letter...so I did :)
Oh sis! You must be doing something right in your life if the adversary is making you feel like this!!! He picks on the best of us you know? If it makes you feel any better I relate to EVERY SINGLE thought in this post. Anyone who says they don't is a liar! (or they're just not as spiritual as we are.. ha ha!!) Love ya...
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